1
00:00:03,438 --> 00:00:04,439
Morning.

2
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:05,353
Morning.

3
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:07,920
Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.

4
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,619
That's the only man
I put in my mouth.

5
00:00:10,706 --> 00:00:12,882
It puts my relationship
with Orville Redenbacher

6
00:00:12,969 --> 00:00:15,493
in a whole different light.

7
00:00:17,582 --> 00:00:19,889
I'm partial to the U.P.S. guy.

8
00:00:19,976 --> 00:00:22,718
We're making food jokes here.

9
00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:24,720
The U.P.S. guy's not food.

10
00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:25,938
He is if you cover him
with whipped cream.

11
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,204
What can I say?

12
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:33,555
There's just something
about a man in brown shorts.

13
00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:34,904
Okay, I'm in big trouble.

14
00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:37,776
Speaking of a man
with brown shorts.

15
00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:39,039
What's wrong?

16
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:40,257
Well, I just got a call

17
00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:41,302
from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry.

18
00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:42,912
And he wants to see me.

19
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:44,566
Well, he wants
to see Jeff Strongman.

20
00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:46,307
Who's Jeff Strongman?

21
00:00:46,394 --> 00:00:47,960
Oh, Jeff Strongman

22
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,180
is Alan's alter ego he uses

23
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:53,836
to meet Larry and fight crime.

24
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:57,666
Wait, so, you use a fake name
to sneak around with other men?

25
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:02,323
Where do you guys meet?
A Lady Gaga concert?

26
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:05,021
It was a spin class
if you must know.

27
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:07,502
Now, what am I gonna do?

28
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,634
I told you something
like this was gonna happen.

29
00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,984
[mocking]:
"I told you something like this
was gonna happen."

30
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,857
Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't
tell me why he wanted to see me

31
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:16,206
and he sounded pretty upset.

32
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:17,773
Well, what kind of world
are we living in

33
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:18,948
where a guy is upset
with another guy

34
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:21,168
for banging his girlfriend?

35
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:24,736
See, that's why
I love being gay.

36
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:26,956
A guy finds out
I'm doing his girlfriend,

37
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,653
I don't get an angry phone call.

38
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:32,004
I get a dozen roses
and a copy of the video.

39
00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:36,400
Too bad I can't convince
Larry I'm gay.

40
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:38,010
Come on, Zippy, you're making it
too easy for us.

41
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:47,759
Oh, hey!

42
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:48,978
There he is.

43
00:01:49,065 --> 00:01:49,979
My main man with a winter tan.

44
00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:52,938
Jeff.

45
00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:54,549
Uh, I got you a coffee.
Can I get you anything else?

46
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,681
Uh, one-one of these muffins?
They're bran.

47
00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:57,421
Keeps your trains
running on time.

48
00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:59,641
Poop-poop!

49
00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:01,338
I'm not hungry.

50
00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:03,427
All right then, I'll just
sit across from you.

51
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,212
Right here...

52
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:07,518
in front
of all these witnesses.

53
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,172
You know my girlfriend Lyndsey?

54
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:10,173
Is it Lyndsey?

55
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,783
I thought it was Linda.

56
00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:13,481
Glad you cleared that up
before I saw her again...

57
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,744
which I haven't,
and why would I?

58
00:02:15,831 --> 00:02:16,919
She's been cheating on me.

59
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:19,008
[hacking]

60
00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:21,619
Mmm, sorry.

61
00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:23,708
Just a little...
[clears throat]

62
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:25,841
Why do you think
she's cheating on you?

63
00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:27,408
I hired a private investigator
to follow her.

64
00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:28,974
[hacking]

65
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:32,935
Uh, do you mind?

66
00:02:33,022 --> 00:02:34,763
She's been meeting him
at a house in Malibu.

67
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:39,637
Sorry, sorry,
I'm just a little shocked.

68
00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:41,117
Imagine how I feel.

69
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,206
Well, I-I can't,
uh, uh, but I do know

70
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:45,991
that in situations like this,
it's the woman who's to blame.

71
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:48,820
She's not the only one.

72
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,126
Please, I have a son!

73
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,955
This is the guy.

74
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,176
Wait, this is the guy?

75
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,178
Yeah.

76
00:02:58,265 --> 00:02:59,179
This is guy you think
banging your girlfriend?

77
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:00,223
I know he is.

78
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,399
And only him?

79
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:03,400
Nobody else?

80
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:04,836
Isn't this bad enough?

81
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:07,230
Well, sure.

82
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:10,973
But, you know, there could
also be another explanation.

83
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,540
I mean, maybe she's just lost

84
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,368
and she's asking
this guy for directions.

85
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:17,284
Right, "Excuse me, sir,
can you help me find my G-spot?"

86
00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:20,112
It's not just this photo.

87
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,113
It's the late night errands.

88
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,246
Hiding her phone.

89
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,943
Plus, we haven't had sex
in forever!

90
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:26,597
Wow, that's rough.

91
00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:29,209
I guess this guy, whoever he is,

92
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:32,821
satisfies her every need.

93
00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:34,039
I want to kill him.

94
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:35,040
I hate being
lied to like this.

95
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:37,260
I get it, you know.

96
00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:40,132
Sometimes you think you know
a person, but you don't.

97
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,221
Panini for Strongman.

98
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,313
Jeff, that's you.

99
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,401
What?

100
00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:48,228
Oh, oh, yeah, that's me.

101
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,449
Jeff Strongman.

102
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:55,104
Someone who's not banging
anyone's girlfriend.

103
00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:58,107
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

104
00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:00,892
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

105
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:18,649
Oh, no, there's a stranger
in my house.

106
00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:21,826
And it's possibly
a gay porn star from the '70s.

107
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:24,264
It's me, Alan.

108
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:25,700
I-I believe you're
supposed to say,

109
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:28,050
[Italian accent]:
"It's-a me, a-Mario!"

110
00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:33,229
So, I take it things
didn't go great with Larry?

111
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,187
Well, he does know
that Lyndsey's cheating on him,

112
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,103
but the good news is he doesn't
know that it's with me.

113
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:39,844
So, why do you look

114
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:42,194
like one of the Village People
in street clothes?

115
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,284
Ah, well, uh, he hired
a, uh, a private detective,

116
00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:47,287
uh, to watch
the house because, uh,

117
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:48,244
and here's where it gets
really funny,

118
00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:50,594
um, uh,

119
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:53,989
he thinks that Lyndsey is
cheating on him with...

120
00:04:54,076 --> 00:04:55,164
No.

121
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:58,907
No, no, no.

122
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:00,125
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

123
00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:02,214
It's crazy, right?

124
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:06,088
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?

125
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:09,091
Fear, cowardice.

126
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:10,701
Lack of a dental plan.

127
00:05:10,788 --> 00:05:13,922
Uh, besides, he-he
just lost Lyndsey,

128
00:05:14,009 --> 00:05:15,532
I didn't want him to
lose his best friend.

129
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:16,794
Okay, well, you're gonna lose
your best friend

130
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:17,795
if you don't fix this!

131
00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:19,144
Oh, I'm your best friend?

132
00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,408
Alan, I am serious.

133
00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:23,758
I do not want a private
detective watching this house.

134
00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,716
And I...
and I definitely don't want

135
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:27,805
an angry boyfriend after me.

136
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:28,980
Well, you should've
thought of that

137
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:31,243
before you slept with Lyndsey.

138
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,594
I've got some work to do.

139
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,335
And I'm gonna go out
and run some errands.

140
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,772
And when I get back,
this better be cleaned up.

141
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,121
Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it.

142
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:41,036
Oh, oh, but just in case.

143
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:46,650
Oh, God!

144
00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:49,174
Is there any look
you can't pull off?

145
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,612
[Italian accent]:
I'm-a gonna kill you.

146
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:56,573
Hey!

147
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:57,139
Hi-ya!

148
00:05:57,226 --> 00:05:59,271
Oh!

149
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,013
What the hell?

150
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,276
Alan, what are you doing?

151
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,889
At the moment,
looking for my left ball.

152
00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:09,630
Larry just dropped me off.

153
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,196
He could've seen you.

154
00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:12,372
That's why I'm here.
Larry thinks you're

155
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,156
having an affair with Walden.

156
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,897
What? Why would he think that?

157
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,464
Well, because he he hired a P.I.

158
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,161
who got a picture of the two
of you together.

159
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:21,250
And by the way, it looked
like it was a cold day.

160
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:23,818
You're an idiot.

161
00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:25,036
I know.

162
00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:26,647
So, what-what are we gonna do?

163
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:29,345
Okay, look, I've done this
plenty of times before.

164
00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:31,956
The first thing you do
is deny everything.

165
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:33,436
Right, denial. Wait.

166
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:33,567
You've done this
plenty of times before?

167
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:36,091
Did you ever cheat on me?

168
00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:38,093
Never.

169
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:39,703
Okay, good.

170
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:40,878
[phone chirps]
Oh!

171
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,619
Oh, it's Larry.

172
00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:43,577
What does he want?

173
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,187
Uh, well, let's see.

174
00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:46,275
Uh, "Just dropped off
the cheating whor...

175
00:06:46,362 --> 00:06:47,581
Lyndsey."

176
00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:49,887
"Want to grab a drink?"

177
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,236
Okay, you go play

178
00:06:51,323 --> 00:06:52,499
the sympathetic friend,
calm him down.

179
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:53,891
I'll figure something out.

180
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:54,805
Sounds good, uh...

181
00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:56,807
"No problem, bro."

182
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,026
Uh...

183
00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,507
Cocktail glass emoji.

184
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,074
Stall him as long as you can.

185
00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:03,988
Right.

186
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,425
I'm sorry I kicked you

187
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:06,774
in the balls--
is there anything I can do?

188
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:09,254
You could kiss it
and make it better.

189
00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:10,517
Good-bye, Alan.

190
00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:12,257
Oh, come on!

191
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:14,303
It's not like I
could do it myself.

192
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:20,048
God knows I've tried.

193
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,920
[tires screeching]

194
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:25,140
Get in the car!Rose?

195
00:07:25,227 --> 00:07:26,141
What are you doing?

196
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:27,534
Someone's following you.

197
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,666
Yeah, you!

198
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:32,713
There's no time for this,
you're in danger.

199
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,802
Yeah, from you!

200
00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:35,933
Just get in.

201
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,369
Why would I get in your car?

202
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,370
I mean, the last time

203
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,546
I tried to trust you...

204
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,722
What? What are you looking at?

205
00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:44,333
You got a little spot
on your shirt.

206
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:45,900
Oh.

207
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:46,944
[screams]

208
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,250
Drive! Drive! Drive!

209
00:07:48,337 --> 00:07:52,254
Drive! Drive!

210
00:07:52,341 --> 00:07:54,038
I found out more
about this guy.

211
00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:55,344
His name is
Walden Schmidt.

212
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:57,302
More like lying sack of Schmidt.

213
00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,654
[chuckles]
Am I right?

214
00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:03,831
Turns out he's some kind
of stupid Internet billionaire.

215
00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:05,049
Don't you hate
when guys don't work

216
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:06,224
for a living like you and me?

217
00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:08,879
Amen, Jeff Strongman.

218
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,446
Hey, come on, you know,

219
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:11,491
this isn't the worst thing
in the world.

220
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:13,057
You're gonna bounce back.

221
00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:14,929
I guess, I mean,
I should've seen it coming.

222
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,408
I mean, she cheated
on her last boyfriend with me.

223
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:20,064
Her-her last boyfriend?

224
00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:22,110
Yeah, I guess the guy
was a real loser.

225
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,373
A pathetic freeloader.

226
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:27,289
Well, that's just conjecture.

227
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,639
I mean, you know, maybe
he's a-a really great guy

228
00:08:29,726 --> 00:08:32,990
and she's just
a crazy lying bitch.

229
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,383
I'm not gonna take it lying down

230
00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:35,863
like the pansy
she was dating before me.

231
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,518
Is "pansy" your word or hers?

232
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:40,215
Hers.

233
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:41,216
I'm going to the head.

234
00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:42,609
You get the check

235
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:44,045
and we'll go pay
this bastard a visit.

236
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:45,394
Take your time.

237
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:46,526
No rush.

238
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,749
Oh, come on, Lyndsey,
pick up, pick up, pick up!

239
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:55,839
[groans]
Of course, voice mail.

240
00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:58,102
Lyndsey, things have gone
from bad to worse.

241
00:08:58,189 --> 00:08:59,364
Larry is gonna confront Walden,
and I don't know what to do.

242
00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:01,366
Call me back.

243
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,803
Oh, and PS-- you and I have

244
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,022
a little issue
to discuss ourselves.

245
00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:07,764
Oh, and PPS--
the "P" stands for "pansy."

246
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:09,592
Mm-hmm.

247
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:10,550
Whew.

248
00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:12,900
Looks like we lost him.

249
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:15,380
What the hell is going on?

250
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,558
Well, I'm pretty sure
Larry hired a hit man.

251
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,255
How do you know about Larry?

252
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:21,735
Because he's stalking you.

253
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:22,736
How do you know that?

254
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:25,739
Because I'm stalking you.

255
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:26,696
Okay, okay, you know,
this is ridiculous.

256
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,655
I'm calling the police.

257
00:09:28,742 --> 00:09:30,613
And tell them what?

258
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,789
We have no proof
of anything.

259
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:33,834
And besides, how helpful
were the police

260
00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:35,531
when you called them on me?

261
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:38,229
Uh, I got them to issue
a restraining order.

262
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:40,231
Hi.

263
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,234
Okay, I...

264
00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:44,845
Uh-oh, he's back.

265
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:48,065
I don't know how he
keeps finding us.

266
00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:49,676
I'll tell you how.

267
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,591
The GPS on my cell phone.

268
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:52,940
Give me that.

269
00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:58,641
I was gonna turn it off,
but okay.

270
00:09:58,728 --> 00:09:59,816
Hang on.

271
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:01,165
What? Why?

272
00:10:01,252 --> 00:10:04,168
Whoa, whoa, whoa![squealing]

273
00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:06,127
Whoa!

274
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:07,345
[sighs]

275
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,651
That ought to do it.

276
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:10,435
Okay, you know...
this is nonsense!

277
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,742
[stammers]
Take me home.

278
00:10:12,829 --> 00:10:15,310
Okay, homeward bound.

279
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:16,354
And gagged.

280
00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:17,791
And tortured for days.

281
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:21,098
Okay, well, fine,
then take me to a hotel.

282
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:22,447
Beverly Hills Hotel okay?

283
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,448
It's perfect.

284
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:25,276
And bang, you're dead.

285
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:27,322
You need to get
off the grid.

286
00:10:27,409 --> 00:10:28,932
Someplace they
don't expect you.

287
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:31,108
A place they can't track
your credit cards.

288
00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:33,720
Nobody is tracking
my credit cards.

289
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:37,767
Oh, that wasn't you last night
getting a coffee colonic?

290
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:40,683
I will not apologize
for a healthy colon.

291
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:47,647
Okay, here we go.

292
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:50,301
This place looks perfect.

293
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,434
This place is a dump.

294
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:55,437
Exactly, and it's the last place
anyone would look for you.

295
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,004
Yeah, but it's the first place

296
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,310
that hepatitis
would look for me.

297
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:00,964
Okay, this is only temporary.

298
00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:03,619
You lay low,
and I will straighten this out.

299
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:05,795
Why in God's name
would I trust you?

300
00:11:05,882 --> 00:11:07,710
Look, Walden, I know
that I've caused you

301
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,494
some tiny problems
in the past, but...

302
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:10,887
Wha...? Tiny?

303
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:12,280
You pretended to be pregnant

304
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,629
to scare my girlfriend away.

305
00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:17,589
You sicced rabid ferrets on me!

306
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,767
You tied me to my bed
and tried to violate me

307
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:23,944
with a leaf blower!

308
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:27,512
It's so sweet you
remember everything.

309
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:29,819
But I can make up
for all of that now.

310
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:33,475
Look, when your sink is clogged,
you call a plumber.

311
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,912
When your car breaks down,
you call a mechanic.

312
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:37,958
When you have a dangerous
psychopath after you,

313
00:11:38,045 --> 00:11:40,047
you call me.

314
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:40,961
All right, fine.

315
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,050
I am gonna kill Alan.

316
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:45,966
Oh, if you survive tonight,
you should hire Larry's guy.

317
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:47,358
He's good.

318
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,796
♪ Men.♪

319
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:56,063
♪ Men.♪

320
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,108
Here you go.

321
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:03,592
This is, uh, this is
the best room you got?

322
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,681
It's the presidential suite.

323
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:08,292
The president of what?

324
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,338
Crap-o-slovakia?

325
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:12,166
I could offer you
the honeymoon suite.

326
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:15,386
You know, if you don't mind
the smell of love.

327
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:18,912
No, no... this is, uh...

328
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,174
this is fine.

329
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:21,915
Uh...

330
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:24,352
Do you, uh, do you
have room service?

331
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,052
I might have something
you might want to eat.

332
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:33,143
I don't think you do.

333
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:39,715
Listen, uh, if-if anyone
comes here asking about me,

334
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:41,325
I-I'm not here.

335
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:42,457
Don't worry.

336
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:43,763
No one will ever find you.

337
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:53,947
Hey, uh, if you get
lonely later on,

338
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,036
I'm in the apartment
behind the building.

339
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,342
Yeah, okay.

340
00:12:58,429 --> 00:12:59,822
It's nothing fancy,
but I've got some good weed

341
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:04,131
and... a spa tub.

342
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:07,525
I'll, uh, keep that in mind.

343
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,353
There's a live feed
on channel 14

344
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,746
if you want to check it out.

345
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,187
[door closes]

346
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:20,103
Great, now I got
to hide from him, too.

347
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,762
This Walden guy is gonna regret
the day he stole my girlfriend.

348
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:29,199
Oh, it's-it's not stealing.
It-It's more like borrowing.

349
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,114
Like-like renting a car.

350
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:32,681
Yeah, but when you rent a car
you know there's been

351
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:35,249
other guys inside it,
turning the knobs,

352
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:36,598
playing with the seat,

353
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,165
shoving stuff in the trunk.

354
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,515
Okay, okay, maybe that's
a bad analogy.

355
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,169
But that doesn't change
the fact that going over there

356
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:44,345
to confront him is not
gonna help anything.

357
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:45,128
You got a better idea?

358
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,564
Uh, I-I do.

359
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:48,392
How about you forget
about Lyndsey

360
00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:49,785
and we go out to a bar
and pick up some women.

361
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,831
You know, Larry and Jeff
out on the prowl.

362
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,529
[growls]

363
00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:56,661
Jeff, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.

364
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:58,098
But I'm afraid
if I don't do this,

365
00:13:58,185 --> 00:14:00,404
I won't be able
to live with myself.

366
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,103
And I'm afraid if you do this,

367
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,844
I'll have to live by myself.

368
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,283
[indistinct chatter on TV]

369
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,201
Oh, no! Channel 14!

370
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,602
Oh, God!

371
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:25,865
[knocking]

372
00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,911
Who is it?

373
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:31,653
[deep voice]:
It's Larry, I'm here
to kill you, Walden.

374
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,873
Mr. Walden, he die.

375
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,440
I clean room.

376
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:38,181
ROSE:
No, silly rabbit, it's just me.

377
00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:39,879
Wha...? Rose?

378
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:42,403
Is that...?

379
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:44,187
Are you alone?

380
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,886
Yeah, but a nice man did just
invite me into his spa tub.

381
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:52,195
Here, I brought some food.

382
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:53,457
Yeah, I can't eat.

383
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:54,632
Why not?

384
00:14:54,719 --> 00:14:55,982
Well, because if I do,

385
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,766
eventually
I'll have to go in there.

386
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:01,683
And I'm not going in there.

387
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:03,337
Uh, so, did you find
anything out?

388
00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:06,122
Still no sign of Larry.
He could be anywhere.

389
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,168
God, Alan was supposed
to take care of this.

390
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:10,126
Well, yeah, he also told you
he was only gonna live

391
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:12,912
at your house a few days, and
here we are at day 800 and...

392
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:15,697
43.

393
00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,655
Oh, I almost forgot.

394
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:19,396
I got us some candy bars.

395
00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:20,745
Mounds for you,
'cause it's your favorite.

396
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:21,790
Aw.

397
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:22,791
Almond Joy for me

398
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:26,012
'cause, you know... nuts.

399
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,842
Hey, why are you being
so nice to me?

400
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:34,020
You know,
I'll admit that you hurt me.

401
00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:38,589
And I did some things
that I'm not proud of.

402
00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:40,156
But just because
you took a restraining order

403
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,115
out against me...

404
00:15:42,202 --> 00:15:45,945
doesn't mean that I can
restrain my feelings for you.

405
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,990
That is the sweetest,

406
00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:50,558
most terrifying thing

407
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,386
I've ever heard.

408
00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:56,694
Are you really
scared of me?

409
00:15:56,781 --> 00:16:00,002
You're not even the scariest
person I've met in this room.

410
00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:05,355
And the truth is,
I'm-I'm not blameless.

411
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:06,922
I mean, I chose
another girl over you,

412
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:09,969
and look who's here
with me now?

413
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:14,277
I never really left you.

414
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,977
Literally.

415
00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,939
File this under things
I'm gonna regret.

416
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:31,468
Damn it, should've
brought my leaf blower.

417
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:40,564
Oh, uh,
the doorbell doesn't work.

418
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:42,479
What?

419
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:44,481
I mean, uh,
that-that does not work

420
00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:47,484
if you want to send a message
that there's a man here.

421
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:49,921
♪ Ding-dong. ♪

422
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,401
"I'm gonna kick your tushie."

423
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:52,881
You're right.
Yeah.

424
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,362
Oh.

425
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:57,364
Okay, now, listen,
now-now, this could get crazy.

426
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:59,235
I mean, there's gonna be
a lot of name calling--

427
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:01,324
uh, uh, jerk, uh, idiot,
uh, Alan.

428
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,847
Uh...

429
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,720
Larry?
Lyndsey?

430
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:08,897
I know exactly what's going on
between you and Walden Schmidt.

431
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:10,029
Now, where is he?

432
00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:13,336
Wow! This house
is amazing.

433
00:17:16,774 --> 00:17:17,949
Larry, this isn't
what you think.

434
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,343
It's exactly what I think.

435
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:21,605
I have pictures.

436
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,259
We're standing in his house!

437
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:25,479
Okay, it-it's time for me
to tell you the truth.

438
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:28,047
Don't believe her!
She's a cheating, drunk whore!

439
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,399
Larry, listen to me.

440
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,401
I'm not here to sleep
with Walden Schmidt.

441
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,011
I'm here to sleep
with someone else.

442
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,491
What?!
What?!

443
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:40,146
Remember you told me

444
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:40,972
your fantasy was
to see me with another woman?

445
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,062
Yeah?
Yeah?

446
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:46,935
I've arranged for your dream
to come true.

447
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:48,632
You did?!
You did?!

448
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:51,113
Yes, that's why I rented
this beautiful beach house

449
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,855
from Walden Schmidt
as a birthday surprise.

450
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:56,249
I also got us something else.

451
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:59,382
So, which one is watching us?

452
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,167
If it's him, I'm gonna
have to charge extra.

453
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,041
Wait a minute.
Is this for real?

454
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,043
Happy birthday, baby.

455
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,045
Wow. Wow.

456
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:11,829
[laughs]
A threesome.

457
00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:13,179
That is quite
a gift.

458
00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:15,181
Well, it was last minute,

459
00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,618
and I had to think of something.

460
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:20,969
A nice cardigan wouldn't
have done the trick?

461
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:22,405
God, I feel so stupid.

462
00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:24,015
I even hired someone
to follow you.

463
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,843
Well, why don't you
call them off,

464
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,280
and we'll all go sit down

465
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,586
and talk about the things
you want to see?

466
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,022
Bye, Jeff.

467
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,068
Yeah, bye, Jeff.

468
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,070
I'll send you a
copy of the video.

469
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,725
Wait. Thi-Thi...
Wait. This is

470
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,118
really... happening?

471
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,728
I mean, you-you-you
and-and-and her?

472
00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:42,773
And-and... and him?

473
00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:44,906
And-and-and here?

474
00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,125
While... while I...?

475
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:49,302
Son of a bitch!

476
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:50,738
[mutters]

477
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:51,869
This is crazy.

478
00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:53,436
You know, I'll...
I'll bet

479
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,003
if Lyndsey had been sleeping
with somebody else,

480
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:58,528
he'd be really, really mad.

481
00:18:58,615 --> 00:19:00,313
I know.
Isn't this great, Jeff?

482
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,054
She's not a cheating whore.
She's just a whore.

483
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,796
Hi. It's Larry Martin.

484
00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:08,756
Oh, hey.

485
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:10,975
Listen, I'm not going to be
needing your services anymore,

486
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:12,151
but I appreciate all your help.

487
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:13,848
No problem.

488
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:14,501
It was my pleasure.

489
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:16,067
Good-bye.

490
00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:20,420
That was Alan.

491
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:21,899
What did he say?

492
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:25,076
Well, he, uh, thanked me
for protecting you.

493
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,601
But there's still no sign
of Larry.

494
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:29,037
And as long as he's out there,
you're not safe.

495
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,822
I'm gonna go get us
some supplies.

496
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:33,084
No, don't go!

497
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,869
We're having a good time.

498
00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:37,088
You're just a sticky
little honey bun, aren't you?

499
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,439
Now, don't try
to get in touch with anyone,

500
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,136
or Larry will kill you.

501
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,357
Kisses.

502
00:19:44,444 --> 00:19:46,402
[sighs]

503
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,101
I got to go to the bathroom.

504
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,150
Screw it.
I'll just pee the bed.

505
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,200
[thunder rumbling]

506
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:03,985
[heavy footsteps]

507
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,207
Rose?

508
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:10,644
[loud jangling of keys]

509
00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:12,036
All right, come on, Rose.

510
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,213
This... this...
It's not funny.

511
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,476
[thunder crackling]

512
00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:21,829
Larry?!

513
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:24,614
Listen, we can... we can...
we can work this out!

514
00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:26,790
It's-it's just
a little misunderstanding.

515
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:27,617
[door rattling]

516
00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:29,837
Oh, God! I...

517
00:20:29,924 --> 00:20:31,882
[door rattling loudly]

518
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,194
Well, that was rude.

519
00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:42,110
Looks like I took a shower
for nothing.

520
00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:44,373
♪ Men.♪

521
00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:54,644
♪ Come out, come out,
wherever you are! ♪

522
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:01,695
I hate you, Jeff Strongman.

523
00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,653
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

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and TOYOTA.

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Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org